**edit**
Tiffany is now in her final resting spot.
The tears flowed.
Everyone has been so supportive.
For a little while, I started to feel better. But now I don't know where to go from here.
Times are so hard right now.
I hope that, in time, things will begin to make sense to me.
**un-edit**
Today we will lay Tiffany to rest.
I can't cry. And it's not that I'm not sad. I am more depressed, devastated, angry, confused, guilt-stricken, tired, and lonely than I have ever been in my life. But, for some reason, even as I see all those around me in tears, I don't cry. And its not that I'm holding back, either. I would welcome tears. I feel like I am crying so hard on the inside but maybe I haven't any tears left to cry? This is all so frustrating and so unfair to Tiff.
I'm so scared about today. I don't know what to expect. I just want it to be over with so we all can work on healing.
I feel like every day since Thursday has been a nightmare. It seems so unreal. I wake up every morning feeling like a completely different person in an alternate reality. I hate this.
I would give ANYTHING to go back to my old life, even if just for one day.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Saturday, January 20, 2007
All Cried Out
Thursday night was the last night of my old life.
I met my best friend Tiffany at IHOP for a late lunch/early dinner at 3:15. We never ate at IHOP together before. We were regulars at Chili's. But I had a coupon for a free meal so we thought it would be a good idea. As we sat and ate together I noticed what a great mood Tiffany was in. We talked about everything from work to school to how we've changed since high school to what our futures held for us. I hadn't seen her in a couple of weeks so it was nice to catch up on our daily lives. She cracked up after I almost chocked on my meal when she told me she was becoming "girlie" and had bought 2 items in pink.
We stopped by the Quick Trip to buy creme sodas and candy to sneak into the movie theater. We saw the 4:50 showing (in theater 16) of Alpha Dog at the AMC Movie Theater. Throughout the whole movie I had a knot in my stomach. The movie was vulgar and graphic, but the storyline was very interesting. Afterwards, Tiffany said she really liked it and wanted to go look for the soundtrack.
We stopped by Best Buy and Circuit City but neither carried it. We talked about downloading it online instead. As we drove, I noticed that the knot was still in my stomach. I figured that the movie's intensity was staying with me.
As she drove me back to IHOP where I had left my home, I told Tiffany about the nightmares I had been having. For 2 nights in a row, I had dreamed that my family, friends and myself were being harmed or killed by someone. Tiffany was good at reading dreams so I asked her where these nightmares may be coming from. "Maybe you're anxious about something," she said "Maybe you're afraid of losing someone close to you." "Maybe" I said, "Maybe God is preparing me for something."
At IHOP we hugged and vowed to make Thursday our official hang out night. Next week we were going to see Children of Men. I walked to my car and turned around and waved back to Tiffany. It was the last time I would see her alive.
A few minutes after I arrived home, we received a call from Gayle (Tiffany's mom) saying that Tiffany had been in a accident and "we think she's dead". (That was the beginning of my new life.) My parents and I jumped in the car and drove to Southern Regional. In the waiting room was Tiffany's sister and my other best friend since childhood, Victoria, and her parents. We hugged and sobbed and sat together in shock.
Victoria said that as Tiffany was driving into their driveway, she was getting ready to leave for work. They said hi and bye and then Tori left for work. Minutes later, Gayle and Jerry heard Tiffany scream. Jerry ran outside he saw Tiffany under her car. Somehow, the car had rolled out of gear and down the hill on top of Tiffany (who they assumed had walked down to the gate that surrounds their home to close it or to pick up a package that had come in for her earlier and had been left by the gate) was struck by her own car (her house sits up on a steep hill) and the car rolled over on top of her. Jerry could not get the car off of her, so he put her head on his lap and held her. She looked at him, turned her head, and went unconscious. We believe that was when her spirit left.
For hours we waited. We were told that Tiffany was unresponsive when she was brought in. For 20 minutes she had no heart beat at all. She was brain dead. Her parents said "do not resuscitate" because Tiffany had always said she would never want to be a vegetable. They were taking her up to the ICU. Everyone went it to see her, but I could not. I didn't want to remember her that way. So my parents and I hugged and kissed everyone and left for home. The worst night of my life.
I took something to help me sleep. When I woke up, my mother told me she called Gayle but she couldn't talk. I assumed the worst. I took a shower and got myself ready to head back to the hospital. Before we left, I called Gayle. "We lost her," she said. "Just after 10:00 this morning." Tiffany was only 26.
Arriving at the hospital, we went up to the 2nd Floor and found the ICU. I saw Tiffany's family hugging and crying in the hall outside Tiffany's room. Everyone told me how peaceful she looked. Even though I was completely against seeing Tiffany the night before, I wanted to be there for Tori. So I walked into the room and saw Tiffany laying on her hospital bed. She was very pale, but looked only as if she were asleep. There were bruises on her arm. I couldn't believe it was the same girl I had had so much fun with the evening before.
The conversation I had with Tiffany about my nightmares now haunts me. However, I remember how happy Tiffany was that day. She was in the best mood! We had talked and talked about so much. I'm so glad we did. Those conversations have to last me a lifetime.
Still, I have many feelings of guilt. Tiffany had wanted to see a different movie at first. It was an earlier movie, but a movie that I had said I would take my niece to see. She also mentioned renting a movie and hanging out at her house. But, instead, we decided to see Alpha Dog. If we had seen a different movie or rented a movie, things would not have turned out the way they did. Circumstances would have been different and Tiffany would still be alive today. I'll have to live with this for the rest of my life. I try not to blame myself, and no one else blames me, but the truth is still apparent.
I'm so sorry, Tiffany. I wish it would have been me.
I have cried and cried, but usually only when I'm alone. Although I've always been a homebody who loves privacy, I now find it difficult to be alone and would much rather be out doing something. I hope this will be a good change for me.
Tonight was the visitation for Tiffany. She had told Tori, only a couple of days before her death. that she did not wish to be embalmed and she wanted a closed casket. Her wishes were met and her family also chose not to put her in the ground, deciding instead to place her in a mozaleum (sp?). Tomorrow she will have 2 more visitations and her funeral will be Monday morning. Oh, how I dread it.
I've never lost anyone before. (Except for my grandparents, but old people are, eventually, suppose to die.) I started this blog because I heard that journaling was a good way to deal with grief. I hope this will help me with the healing process.
"Blessed are those that mourn: for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4
I met my best friend Tiffany at IHOP for a late lunch/early dinner at 3:15. We never ate at IHOP together before. We were regulars at Chili's. But I had a coupon for a free meal so we thought it would be a good idea. As we sat and ate together I noticed what a great mood Tiffany was in. We talked about everything from work to school to how we've changed since high school to what our futures held for us. I hadn't seen her in a couple of weeks so it was nice to catch up on our daily lives. She cracked up after I almost chocked on my meal when she told me she was becoming "girlie" and had bought 2 items in pink.
We stopped by the Quick Trip to buy creme sodas and candy to sneak into the movie theater. We saw the 4:50 showing (in theater 16) of Alpha Dog at the AMC Movie Theater. Throughout the whole movie I had a knot in my stomach. The movie was vulgar and graphic, but the storyline was very interesting. Afterwards, Tiffany said she really liked it and wanted to go look for the soundtrack.
We stopped by Best Buy and Circuit City but neither carried it. We talked about downloading it online instead. As we drove, I noticed that the knot was still in my stomach. I figured that the movie's intensity was staying with me.
As she drove me back to IHOP where I had left my home, I told Tiffany about the nightmares I had been having. For 2 nights in a row, I had dreamed that my family, friends and myself were being harmed or killed by someone. Tiffany was good at reading dreams so I asked her where these nightmares may be coming from. "Maybe you're anxious about something," she said "Maybe you're afraid of losing someone close to you." "Maybe" I said, "Maybe God is preparing me for something."
At IHOP we hugged and vowed to make Thursday our official hang out night. Next week we were going to see Children of Men. I walked to my car and turned around and waved back to Tiffany. It was the last time I would see her alive.
A few minutes after I arrived home, we received a call from Gayle (Tiffany's mom) saying that Tiffany had been in a accident and "we think she's dead". (That was the beginning of my new life.) My parents and I jumped in the car and drove to Southern Regional. In the waiting room was Tiffany's sister and my other best friend since childhood, Victoria, and her parents. We hugged and sobbed and sat together in shock.
Victoria said that as Tiffany was driving into their driveway, she was getting ready to leave for work. They said hi and bye and then Tori left for work. Minutes later, Gayle and Jerry heard Tiffany scream. Jerry ran outside he saw Tiffany under her car. Somehow, the car had rolled out of gear and down the hill on top of Tiffany (who they assumed had walked down to the gate that surrounds their home to close it or to pick up a package that had come in for her earlier and had been left by the gate) was struck by her own car (her house sits up on a steep hill) and the car rolled over on top of her. Jerry could not get the car off of her, so he put her head on his lap and held her. She looked at him, turned her head, and went unconscious. We believe that was when her spirit left.
For hours we waited. We were told that Tiffany was unresponsive when she was brought in. For 20 minutes she had no heart beat at all. She was brain dead. Her parents said "do not resuscitate" because Tiffany had always said she would never want to be a vegetable. They were taking her up to the ICU. Everyone went it to see her, but I could not. I didn't want to remember her that way. So my parents and I hugged and kissed everyone and left for home. The worst night of my life.
I took something to help me sleep. When I woke up, my mother told me she called Gayle but she couldn't talk. I assumed the worst. I took a shower and got myself ready to head back to the hospital. Before we left, I called Gayle. "We lost her," she said. "Just after 10:00 this morning." Tiffany was only 26.
Arriving at the hospital, we went up to the 2nd Floor and found the ICU. I saw Tiffany's family hugging and crying in the hall outside Tiffany's room. Everyone told me how peaceful she looked. Even though I was completely against seeing Tiffany the night before, I wanted to be there for Tori. So I walked into the room and saw Tiffany laying on her hospital bed. She was very pale, but looked only as if she were asleep. There were bruises on her arm. I couldn't believe it was the same girl I had had so much fun with the evening before.
The conversation I had with Tiffany about my nightmares now haunts me. However, I remember how happy Tiffany was that day. She was in the best mood! We had talked and talked about so much. I'm so glad we did. Those conversations have to last me a lifetime.
Still, I have many feelings of guilt. Tiffany had wanted to see a different movie at first. It was an earlier movie, but a movie that I had said I would take my niece to see. She also mentioned renting a movie and hanging out at her house. But, instead, we decided to see Alpha Dog. If we had seen a different movie or rented a movie, things would not have turned out the way they did. Circumstances would have been different and Tiffany would still be alive today. I'll have to live with this for the rest of my life. I try not to blame myself, and no one else blames me, but the truth is still apparent.
I'm so sorry, Tiffany. I wish it would have been me.
I have cried and cried, but usually only when I'm alone. Although I've always been a homebody who loves privacy, I now find it difficult to be alone and would much rather be out doing something. I hope this will be a good change for me.
Tonight was the visitation for Tiffany. She had told Tori, only a couple of days before her death. that she did not wish to be embalmed and she wanted a closed casket. Her wishes were met and her family also chose not to put her in the ground, deciding instead to place her in a mozaleum (sp?). Tomorrow she will have 2 more visitations and her funeral will be Monday morning. Oh, how I dread it.
I've never lost anyone before. (Except for my grandparents, but old people are, eventually, suppose to die.) I started this blog because I heard that journaling was a good way to deal with grief. I hope this will help me with the healing process.
"Blessed are those that mourn: for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4
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