Weight....and Depression

I have been struggling with my weight for over a decade. I was thin as a child, but very inactive. I was the kid who would rather sit under my favorite tree and read a book. Or play with my dolls. I was never interested in most sports. Watching or playing them. I did love to ride my bike, though.

I hit puberty early. I would say I was probably 9 or 10. This is when my love for sweets and my inactivity began to hurt me. I got a little chubby. I wouldn't say I was overweight, but I definitely wasn't skinny. The older I got, the more weight I put on. In high school, I always thought of myself as FAT, but looking back at pictures I really wasn't *that* big. I could have probably lost a few pounds, but I definitely saw myself as being much heavier than I actually was. I was embarrassed by my weight and refused to play any sports...because I wasn't good at them AND because I didn't want people to point and laugh at the fat girl trying to keep up with everyone else. ;-)

I guess you could say I was pretty depressed in high school. I hated going to school, even though I loved my friends dearly. I had extremely low self-esteem and I felt fat and stupid and ugly. To make matters even worse, I had acne and XL ta-tas (something I had surgery to fix 4 years ago). So, yes, you could say I was pretty depressed.

At 19, my doctor put me on some anti-depressants. But that didn't help. Eventually I was somehow able to pull myself out of it and for about 4 or 5 years I was depression-free. Working full-time. In college. Great family. Good friends. And even though I still loved to eat, I was pretty happy with my life in general.

Then Tiff died. Depression re-entered my life and I discovered that I am definitely an emotional eater. Since last January (2007) I have reached the 200 lbs. mark (and then some)... something I said I would never do. Even I can easily see how much weight I have put on. Tiffany's death made me question my own life and what I was doing with it. Why can't I get a better job? Why am I still living at home? Why am I still single? Why can't I keep up in class? Why am I all the sudden so very lonely all the time? Why can't I be a better Christian? I wanted all these answers and more immediately. But I had no idea how to change things. So I just gave up, pretty much. I had an 'I don't care' attitude about myself. And the weight continued to pile on.

Over a year later, I still have my bouts of depression. I am mostly able to convince myself to "embrace my circumstances" as my pastor says, but since I want desperately to change them it is hard to embrace them all the time. This past month has been particularly hard as I have been questioning whether or not to continue on with my Education degree. Teaching is just not where my heart is, at the moment. I'm not exactly sure where it is. Or what I want to do with my life. Which is probably why I have been so down lately. I've decided to take the summer off from school. I'm not even sure if I will go back in the Fall. I'm a simple girl... all I want is a good job and a place of my own. (Yes, I know that the good job will come from school but...) At this point, I just need change. Normally I hate that word - the "c" word - with a passion. Right now, I have never needed anything more.

The one thing that needs changing the most is my weight. I simply cannot gain another pound. And while it seems at times that I can't gain control of any aspect of my life these days, I *can* be in control of my weight. So I'm starting the Lose Weight Diet (lol) which is basically just cutting calories. It isn't a quick weight-loss plan that you can't stick to. I don't have to buy any expensive foods or join any clubs. I just need to eat less, eat healthier and exercise more. I don't know much about diets, but I do know that if you want it to work, it has to be a way of life.

And so it has begun. I hope that as I learn to control my weight, I also will learn how to rise above my depression instead of feeding it. =)